Then They All Died
by Xy Hapu
Summary: A satire of Hamlet I did for English class. Yes, I actually turned this in. Someone just kill me.


Author's Note: This was _supposed_ to be my final Hamlet project for English class, but in my then-sleepless state (2 AM the day it was due) I was only able to churn out this monstrosity. The sad part is, this is what I actually turned in to the teacher. I am so screwed. Please, feel free to have a good laugh at my expense :P **Act 1  
Scene 1  
**

"Hark! Who goeth there?" Barnacle yelled into the night, seeing a dark silhouette in the fog. His voice, laced with fear, reverberated off of the castle walls and grew to an unsettling volume.

"Pipe down, yo," Franco responded. "What the p-word be?"

"Hark! The password be 'Long live the king!', which is intensely ironic since the King is dead, unless it refers to the new King, Claudiolious, in which case it is not intensely ironic and instead an example of foreshadowing because this is a tragedy and everyone will die at the end, but being a tragedy it is already known that he will die so it is not foreshadowing either and is instead random pointless dialogue that only seems as if it is profound and scholarly!" Barnacle responded, after having done so promptly turning blue and dying of oxygen deprivation, which is ironic since he was just talking about this being a tragedy and how everyone will eventually die.

"Hark! Barnacle is dead!" Franco exclaimed, now being elevated to the position of hark-sayer due to the aforementioned death of Barnacle.

"Yes, he is dead, and so am I!" the King's Ghost said, suddenly appearing out of nowhere and chuckling at his incredibly witty remark.

"Hark! Who are you?" Franco yelled in a frightened manner, although the ghost wasn't all that frightening since he was just a dude in armor with a fog machine attached to his backside.

"I am King Hamlet's ghost!" King Hamlet's ghost declared, which is a good thing because if anyone else besides King Hamlet's ghost had said that, they would have been lying and have been sent to Hell or wherever else liars go. "And unlike everyone else's name, mine hath not been changed from the original to something moderately humorous since 'Hamlet' is already pretty damn funny in my opinion. And whatever I think goes, for I am a King _and_ a ghost and such a combination raises my coolness factor to exceedingly high heights."

"Hark! Ghost of King Hamlet, what are you doing here?" Franco questioned. "This is the realm of the mortals, not the realm of the metal-clad immobile old men with really fake beards who spew out fog in place of that other really important bodily function!"

"I was on my way to that place," Ghost of King Hamlet replied, "the place whose name I shall not repeat here in fear of being repetitive, but then ghost-pirates kingnapped me on the way, and then through an highly improbable sequence of events brought me back here!"

"Hark!" Franco said. And yes, that is all he said. Then the Ghost of King Hamlet left, because he didn't want to be seen hanging around with some guy named Franco who felt compelled to say 'Hark' at the beginning of every sentence.

**Act 1  
Scene 2  
**

The newly-crowned King Claudiolious sat on his high-backed throne. Beside him sat Queen Gerbiltude, on a similar throne that was not quite as large, since everyone was pretty much sexist back then. But none of that really mattered, seeing as the Queen could pass for a man, and an extremely ugly one at that. Prince Hamlet was sitting off in a dark corner somewhere, brooding dark thoughts in his dark tunic while wearing his extremely retarded dark tights. That was about all he did nowadays, occasionally managing to scrounge up enough energy to go hit on his mother, although only God knows why. But mostly he brooded. Very darkly.

The King went about his daily business, talking to some dudes named Corn and Volt about Norway invading Denmark or some such nonsense. Why the U.S. didn't just step in and nuke both of them off the map, no one could tell. Finally the King simply decided to hire pirates to put an end to the invasion, since pirates were the solution to everything and its mother.

With that settled, a young man by the name of Lapras came forward to speak with the King. He was the most tragic Shakespearean figure in all of time, for he had been named after a Pokemon, and an especially dumb one at that, so he was often the target for ridicule among his peers and someone to worship among little kids whose idea of a good time was to dress up as little Pikachus and pretend to electrocute people.

"I want to go to France," Lapras flatly stated, trying to ignore the royal court whose members had begun to burst out in a chorus of 'Gotta catch 'em all!' and 'I choose you!'

"_France?_" King Claudiolious asked incredulously. "What in the name of Ash Ketchum could you possibly want with those Communist crackpots?"

"They are Socialist, my King," Poliwagous interjected. Poliwagous was Lapras's father, and always stuck up for the French for some reason. It was likely due to his love of frogs, although that is debatable since frogs are all green and slimy and yucky.

To make a long scene short, Claudiolious finally allowed Lapras to go to France after much witty political commentary and Pokemon references. Then Hamlet hit on his mother again while pretending to be depressed, and afterwards a bunch of people I forgot to mention earlier on told Hamlet all about the ghost with the crappy fog machine. Their conversation went something like this:

Horatio: The ghost of your father was seen. By me. And some other folks.

Hamlet: Oh. My. I must see him too.

Horatio: Yes.

Hamlet: I suspect foul play.

Horatio: Yes.

Hamlet: Shut up. That was an 'aside'.

Horatio: Oh.

Horatio: Yes.

**Act 2  
Scene 1  
**

Author's Mid-Story Note: Arrrr, ye mateys. This act and all following ones up until the last have been captured by pirates and are not available at the moment. No worries, however, as the pirates, being the swarthy nice guys they are, will undoubtedly and conveniently return all of them once they are done holding on to them for the sake of the story as a whole. Shiver me timbers.

**Act 5  
Scene 2  
**

"I will kill you, Hamlet, for killing my father whose name is Poliwagous but it is now 'his name was Poliwagous' since you have killed him, he who is my father! I mean, was!" Lapras yelled in a very angry manner.

He stabbed Hamlet. Hamlet died.

"Nooooooooo!" Hamlet cried, apparently not completely dead quite yet. "Nooooooooo! I am dead!"

"Yesssssssss! You are dead!" Lapras replied, upon which the almost-dead-but-not-quite Hamlet promptly stabbed him. "Nooooooo! Now I am dead too! Nooooooo!"

"Yessssssss! You are dead too!" Hamlet chortled triumphantly. "Now it is your turn to die, King Claudiolious, you who killed my father, The King's Ghost, by pouring a Snapple-like substance in his ear! What a stupid way to die! Now you shall pay for the stupid way in which you have caused my father to die, by dying!"

But it was too late. King Claudiolious had already died of AIDS.

"Noooooooo! I am dead!" King Claudiolious said as he was in the process of dying.

"Me tooooooo!" Lapras lamented, dying. "I am dead toooooooo!"

Poliwagous suddenly stumbled into the room, clutching his mortal wound.

"We are both deadddddddd!" he said to his son. "Noooooooo!"

"Rat! You are deadddddddd!" Hamlet said, pointing his dying finger at the dying man. "Yesssssssss!"

"But what of Queen Gerbiltude?" King Claudiolious said as he died. "Is she not dead tooooooo?"

"Noooooooo, I am not dead!" Queen Gerbiltude said. Then she stepped on a rake and it hit her really really hard in the face. "Yessssssssss, I am dead, now! I mean, noooooooo, I am dead, but yessssssssss in response to your original question as to whether or not I am dead, which I am! Nooooooo!"

"We are alllllllllll dead!" Hamlet mourned. "Except for Horatio, that is, since he must stay alive long enough to recount the entire story beginning to end, at the end, for no really apparent reason at all except to make him feel like an important character in the story which in reality he is not! And I am dead! Nooooooo!"

"Noooooooo! You are wrong, for I am dead, toooooo!" Horatio said as he too staggered into the room while in the middle of a very lengthy death. "I could not recount the entire story, for those blasted pirates stole most of it, so I tried to get it back from the pirates, who incidentally had stolen it, but then they killed me! Nooooooooo! So now I am deaddddddd!"

"I _knew_ those pirates weren't just in the story to keep the story going, those pirates!" King Claudiolious sneered his almost-but-not-quite-last words. "Noooooooo! Those pirates! And now I am dead! Although not necessarily because of those pirates! But still! Noooooooo!"

Then they all died. For real. Ophelia came and gave them all pretty flowers, then died too. But then their ghosts all came back and complained some more, which was really annoying. But that is the beginning of a new story, one which the pirates will hopefully burn to ashes before anyone has the misfortune of laying their eyes upon. The present story, as it is, is now over and as good as dead. Which is not very dead in the world of Shakespeare. Noooooooo.

Author's Note: Uh, yeah. Try and take a stab at guessing what grade I'm gonna get on this thing. Hint: I would prolly guess somewhere below fifty percent :P Person who comes closest wins . . . er, something cool. I guess. Yeh. 


End file.
